Manic Monday

The words escape
her lips, so pale
like the colour of paper
like the fog on a chilly night
Without thought
she allows herself
to drift off for the night

11:11
She still ought to believe
every wish might come true
The good, the bad

Her eyes are tired
like a warrior
fresh from a battle,
like a sleepless soul

Let it end
the words spill out
like blood,
the pain never ends
It is always there
never disappearing.

With a final breath
She lets herself fall
to slumber for the rest of eternity.

Point of Exhaltation

Lately, I have been feeling nothing but accepted, important, a person who matters. And this is good because of so many reasons. For a long time, the only thing that I've thought about is how unappreciated I am. It turns out that I'm wrong.

I'm not unappreciated.

In fact, there are people out there who'd spend two hours of their lives with me just because. There are people who thinks I'm fun, and nice, and friendly. I'm not surprised that it took me this long to figure out how much I matter in this world. Too much time had been wasted, just looking on the dark side of everything.

So now, my life is on a point wherein things are just in equilibrium. There good days, and there are bad ones. But it's nothing that can't be fixed with a nice cup of tea and a good night sleep.

People will come and go, people will change.

Most importantly, friendships aren't exactly strengthened by the fact that you like the same exact things. In fact, its foundation is taken from the fact that all of you like so many different things yet you get along so well.

I can now say that I've surrounded myself with people better than me, therefore now I'm better too.

Inequality

Today, I experienced one of the sad things everyone goes through in each of their lifetime. Realisations. 

My mind's been working, winding itself up nonstop today y'know? It's just going and going on about life; what is wrong and what is right, should I stop or should I not.

The feeling of being unappreciated, or at least under-appreciated, just doesn't go away no matter how I try to push it away and feel good about myself. It's like a wanting that's never fulfilled. I just want this, I just want that. Truthfully, I just want people to show a little (or more, I guess) appreciation. But we don't get everything we want. Well, maybe rich people do; nothing against the fortunate though. Anyway, this is life.

I appreciate, show love, respect other people a little too much sometimes and subconsciously expects to be given with the same amount of appreciation, love and respect in return. Obviously, I don't get that often.

People can't even remember my name. They can't even remember my face. So that's that. In the future, I will still be perpetually sad about some things in life; things like this. Because it's always the simple things that I pay attention to, yet no one ever seems to get it right.

And that's what you missed, on Glee.

Time

Our lack of wireless internet connected had allowed me to have a series of reflecting about the life I'm living. And it has been a while since I've thought about the things that seemed so unimportant days ago.

I was thinking of my Mom. Yesterday, we were talking in the bedroom about my 18th birthday. Little did she know that I paid less attention to our subject and more on her. Observing my relatives was a rare thing for me to do, it never really occurred to me that they could be the subject of interest when I people-watch. But yesterday was different from any other day.

I watched my Mom as she talked with wariness in her voice. I knew she was tired. The creases on each side of her eyes are so apparent compared to how it was days, months, years ago. This was how time reminded me that it's always there, and it's never stopping for anyone or anything.

My heart started to sink.

It was hard watching her, really observing. Her hair was thinning, her limbs had often hurt nowadays. She was undeniably growing old. And I was, too.

This seems like such a big deal for me, because I grew up very close to her, along with her two sisters and a very close family friend that we now considered our Aunt too.

Mom wasn't the only person I observed yesterday. Because I was so curious about what it feels to see the people you love getting marked by time, I decided to go and see my Aunts too.

The feeling wasn't—at all—different. It was just twice the heart-sinking moment when you realise that things will never be the same in a few years.

How I wish I could turn back time (or better, go back in time). I just...I don't want to see them grow old and...

I really just can't.

THIS JUST IN

I am in a constant battle between taking my own life and waiting until I get to figure out what I want to do in life.

SOPHOMORE SLUMP

Literally slumping

Today marks my twelfth day (minus the weekends and a holiday) of being a Sophomore college student.  And I've experienced new wonders that are currently changing my life completely. (i.e.: The beginning of my curiosity to try out make-up for once in my life) Also, the professors in our Uni is grilling us with quizzes and keep on changing our schedule (/making it worse). So now we all have to suffer at 7 in the morning, trying to learn how to swim while our P.E. professor stands on the pool side with her Kobe Bryant shirt on. There is nothing I hate more than a professor guessing our damn grades. Because we did not pay thousands just to watch them stand on the side while we drown our asses off (literally and figuratively).

So I had made a note to try and avoid this Physical Education professor as much as possible, because I might just lose it and stab her. (Just kidding, but not really)

Moving on to more annoying topic, let me tell you about this girl from my class. I'll just call her "Beauty" because well...she really is beautiful. Anyway, she changed courses this semester, which made me think more highly of her. Because shifting from Mass Communication to Psychology is such a big deal for me, you know. But I should have known better. She didn't even last for two days. All she did for the past week was cling unto her girl friend who keeps on breaking the Uni's dress code (she still doesn't wear the uniform, I mean it's been 2 freaking weeks!!! OCD pls!!!). And today, a mutual friend of ours informed me that she was--yet again--changing courses because the Psychology majors were "boring" and "nerds" when we've only been together for, what? More or less three weeks? Wow, you must know us so well already!

I take pride in being called a nerd, but girl please. What the hell did you even expect from this course?

I don't really blame her though, you know, for thinking of us or the course that way. Psychology is kind of challenging to learn, because you have to observe and be careful. The human mind just doesn't work in one way, it happens to work in so many ways that you have to actually look into it so deeply that it could get to you. Anyway, this incident has brought me so many realizations.

1. Psychology people aren't boring. We're actually very fun. But when we have to study, we study. 
2. Some people are just too stereotypical, I guess.
3. I must love my course enough to defend it from people like her.
4. Beauty in vain still exists.
5. I have to stop being to overly-sensitive about things but I also have to be not an indifferent asshole at the same time. 
6. Life is hard and I realised that I still have no proper goals in life.